September
17
Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent communication is a process designed by Marshall Rosenberg to help us resolve conflict by communicating what we need and asking others for help to meet that need rather than judging others and demanding change. It doesn’t intend to change anyone’s expectations. Rather, it is a change of focus from finding problems with others to connecting to the needs within ourselves and others to help us meet each other’s needs with joy and compassion.
When we tell ourselves that we are bad or use should statements, we are using jackal ears. Likewise, if we say that others are wrong and should have done something different, we are listening with jackal ears.
We say that we are using giraffe ears when we are listening to our feelings and needs. When we are hearing the feelings and needs of others behind their judgments and evaluations, we are using our giraffe ears.
Here are some resources and vocabulary that we will be learning in class:
The 4 Part nonviolent communication process
Evaluative words that mask our feelings and needs
Evaluations make it difficult for others to connect with our feelings and needs. Here is a list of evaluative words along with common feelings and needs behind them.
| Evaluative Word | Giraffe Feeling(s) | Giraffe Need(s) |
|---|---|---|
| abandoned | terrified, hurt, bewilderment, sad, fright, lonely | Nurturing, connection, belonging, support, caring |
| abused | angry, frustration, fright | Caring, nurturing, support, emotional or physical wellbeing, consideration. Need for all living things to flourish. |
| unaccepted | upset, fear, lonely | inclusion, connection, community, belonging, contribution, peer respect, self-care |
| attacked | fearful, angry | safety |
| belittled | angry, frustration, tense, distress | respect, autonomy, to be seen, acknowledgment, appreciation |
| betrayed | angry, hurt, disappointment, outrage | trust, dependability, honesty, honor, commitment, clarity, |
| blamed | angry, scared, confusion, antagonistic, hostile, bewildered, hurt | Accountability, causality, fairness, justice |
| bullied | angry, scared, pressured | autonomy, choice, safety, consideration |
| caged/boxed in | angry, thwarted, scared, anxious | autonomy, choice, freedom |
| cheated | Resentful, hurt, angry | honesty, fairness, justice, trust, reliability |
| coerced | angry, frustrated, frightened, thwarted, scared | choice, autonomy, freedom, act freely, choose freely |
| cornered | angry, scared, anxious, thwarted | autonomy, freedom |
| criticized | in pain, scared, anxious, frustrated, humiliated, angry, embarrassed | understanding, acknowledgement, recognition, accountability, non-judgmental communication |
| discounted/ diminished | hurt, angry, embarrassed, frustrated | need to matter, acknowledgment, inclusions, recognition, respect |
| disliked | sad, lonely, hurt | connection, appreciation, understanding acknowledgment, friendship, inclusion |
| distrusted | sad, frustrated | trust, honesty, |
| dumped on | angry, overwhelmed | respect, consideration |
| harassed | angry, frustrated, pressured, frightened | respect, space, consideration, peace |
| hassled | irritated, distressed, angry, frustrated, | serenity, autonomy, do things at my own pace and in my own way, calm, space |
| ignored | lonely, scared, hurt, sad, embarrassed | connection, belonging, inclusion, community, participation |
| insulted | angry, embarrassed | respect, consideration, acknowledgment, recognition |
| interrupted | angry, frustrated, resentful, hurt | respect, to be heard, consideration |
| intimidated | Scared, anxiety | safety, equality, empowerment |
| invalidated | angry, hurt, resentful, | appreciation, respect, acknowledgment, recognition |
| invisible | sad, angry, lonely, scared | to be seen and heard, inclusion, belonging, community |
| isolated | lonely, afraid, scared | community, inclusion, belonging, contribution |
| left out | sad, lonely, anxious | inclusion, belonging, community, connection |
| let down | sad, disappointed, frightened | consistency, trust, dependability, consistency |
| manipulated | angry, scared, powerless, thwarted, frustrated | autonomy, empowerment, trust, equality, freedom, free choice, connection, genuineness |
| mistrusted | sad, angry | trust |
| misunderstood | upset, angry, frustrated | to be heard, understanding, clarity |
| neglected | lonely, scared | connection, inclusion, participation, community, care, mattering, consideration |
| overpowered | angry, impotent, helpless, confused | equality, justice, autonomy, freedom |
| overworked | angry, tired, frustrated | respect, consideration, rest, caring |
| patronized | angry, frustrated, resentful | recognition, equality, respect, mutuality |
| pressured | anxious, resentful, overwhelmed | Relaxation, clarity, space, consideration |
| provoked | angry, frustrated, hostile, antagonistic, resentful | respect, consideration, |
| put down | angry, sad, embarrassed | respect, acknowledgment, understanding |
| rejected | hurt, scared, angry, defiant | belonging, inclusion, closeness, to be seen, acknowledgment, connection |
| ripped off/ screwed | Anger, resentment, disappointment | consideration, justice, fairness, justice acknowledgement, trust |
| smothered/ suffocated | Frustrated, fear, desperation, | space, freedom, autonomy, authenticity. self expression |
| taken for granted | sad, angry, hurt, disappointment | appreciation, acknowledgment, recognition, consideration |
| Stalked | frightened, helpless, scared, anxious | space, empowerment, mutuality, safety, privacy, respect |
| threatened | scared, frightened, alarmed, agitated, defiant | Safety, autonomy |
| trampled | angry, frustrated, overwhelmed | empowerment, connection, community, being seen, consideration, equality, respect, acknowledgment |
| tricked | embarrassed, angry, resentful | integrity, trust, honesty |
| unappreciated | sad, angry, hurt, frustrated | appreciation, respect, acknowledgment, consideration |
| unheard | sad, hostile, frustrated | understanding, consideration, empathy |
| unloved | sad, bewildered, frustrated | love, appreciation, empathy, connection, community |
| unseen | sad, anxious, frustrated | acknowledgment, appreciation, be heard |
| unsupported | sad, hurt, resentful | support, understanding |
| unwanted | sad, anxious, frustrated | belonging, inclusion, caring |
| used | sad, angry, resentful | autonomy, equality, consideration, mutuality |
| victimized | frightened, helpless | empowerment, mutuality, safety, justice |
| violated | sad, agitated, anxiety | privacy, safety, trust, space, respect |
| wronged | angry, hurt, resentful, irritated | respect, justice, trust, safety, fairness |