September 17

Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent communication is a process designed by Marshall Rosenberg to help us resolve conflict by communicating what we need and asking others for help to meet that need rather than judging others and demanding change. It doesn’t intend to change anyone’s expectations. Rather, it is a change of focus from finding problems with others to connecting to the needs within ourselves and others to help us meet each other’s needs with joy and compassion.

When we tell ourselves that we are bad or use should statements, we are using jackal ears.  Likewise, if we say that others are wrong and should have done something different, we are listening with jackal ears.

We say that we are using giraffe ears when we are listening to our feelings and needs. When we are hearing the feelings and needs of others behind their judgments and evaluations, we are using our giraffe ears.

Here are some resources and vocabulary that we will be learning in class:

The 4 Part nonviolent communication process

About the NVC Process















Evaluative words that mask our feelings and needs

Evaluations make it difficult for others to connect with our feelings and needs. Here is a list of evaluative words along with common feelings and needs behind them.

Evaluative Word Giraffe Feeling(s) Giraffe Need(s)
abandoned terrified, hurt, bewilderment, sad, fright, lonely Nurturing, connection, belonging, support, caring
abused angry, frustration, fright Caring, nurturing, support, emotional or physical wellbeing, consideration. Need for all living things to flourish.
unaccepted upset, fear, lonely inclusion, connection, community, belonging, contribution, peer respect, self-care
attacked fearful, angry safety
belittled angry, frustration, tense, distress respect, autonomy, to be seen, acknowledgment, appreciation
betrayed angry, hurt, disappointment, outrage trust, dependability, honesty, honor, commitment, clarity,
blamed angry, scared, confusion, antagonistic, hostile, bewildered, hurt Accountability, causality, fairness, justice
bullied angry, scared, pressured autonomy, choice, safety, consideration
caged/boxed in angry, thwarted, scared, anxious autonomy, choice, freedom
cheated Resentful, hurt, angry honesty, fairness, justice, trust, reliability
coerced angry, frustrated, frightened, thwarted, scared choice, autonomy, freedom, act freely, choose freely
cornered angry, scared, anxious, thwarted autonomy, freedom
criticized in pain, scared, anxious, frustrated, humiliated, angry, embarrassed understanding, acknowledgement, recognition, accountability, non-judgmental communication
discounted/ diminished hurt, angry, embarrassed, frustrated need to matter, acknowledgment, inclusions, recognition, respect
disliked sad, lonely, hurt connection, appreciation, understanding acknowledgment, friendship, inclusion
distrusted sad, frustrated trust, honesty,
dumped on angry, overwhelmed respect, consideration
harassed angry, frustrated, pressured, frightened respect, space, consideration, peace
hassled irritated, distressed, angry, frustrated, serenity, autonomy, do things at my own pace and in my own way, calm, space
ignored lonely, scared, hurt, sad, embarrassed connection, belonging, inclusion, community, participation
insulted angry, embarrassed respect, consideration, acknowledgment, recognition
interrupted angry, frustrated, resentful, hurt respect, to be heard, consideration
intimidated Scared, anxiety safety, equality, empowerment
invalidated angry, hurt, resentful, appreciation, respect, acknowledgment, recognition
invisible sad, angry, lonely, scared to be seen and heard, inclusion, belonging, community
isolated lonely, afraid, scared community, inclusion, belonging, contribution
left out sad, lonely, anxious inclusion, belonging, community, connection
let down sad, disappointed, frightened consistency, trust, dependability, consistency
manipulated angry, scared, powerless, thwarted, frustrated autonomy, empowerment, trust, equality, freedom, free choice, connection, genuineness
mistrusted sad, angry trust
misunderstood upset, angry, frustrated to be heard, understanding, clarity
neglected lonely, scared connection, inclusion, participation, community, care, mattering, consideration
overpowered angry, impotent, helpless, confused equality, justice, autonomy, freedom
overworked angry, tired, frustrated respect, consideration, rest, caring
patronized angry, frustrated, resentful recognition, equality, respect, mutuality
pressured anxious, resentful, overwhelmed Relaxation, clarity, space, consideration
provoked angry, frustrated, hostile, antagonistic, resentful respect, consideration,
put down angry, sad, embarrassed respect, acknowledgment, understanding
rejected hurt, scared, angry, defiant belonging, inclusion, closeness, to be seen, acknowledgment, connection
ripped off/ screwed Anger, resentment, disappointment consideration, justice, fairness, justice acknowledgement, trust
smothered/ suffocated Frustrated, fear, desperation, space, freedom, autonomy, authenticity. self expression
taken for granted sad, angry, hurt, disappointment appreciation, acknowledgment, recognition, consideration
Stalked frightened, helpless, scared, anxious space, empowerment, mutuality, safety, privacy, respect
threatened scared, frightened, alarmed, agitated, defiant Safety, autonomy
trampled angry, frustrated, overwhelmed empowerment, connection, community, being seen, consideration, equality, respect, acknowledgment
tricked embarrassed, angry, resentful integrity, trust, honesty
unappreciated sad, angry, hurt, frustrated appreciation, respect, acknowledgment, consideration
unheard sad, hostile, frustrated understanding, consideration, empathy
unloved sad, bewildered, frustrated love, appreciation, empathy, connection, community
unseen sad, anxious, frustrated acknowledgment, appreciation, be heard
unsupported sad, hurt, resentful support, understanding
unwanted sad, anxious, frustrated belonging, inclusion, caring
used sad, angry, resentful autonomy, equality, consideration, mutuality
victimized frightened, helpless empowerment, mutuality, safety, justice
violated sad, agitated, anxiety privacy, safety, trust, space, respect
wronged angry, hurt, resentful, irritated respect, justice, trust, safety, fairness